Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

dude it’s called proctologist

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

There’s no “us” in nachos.