Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.