Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

12653.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Natty or not?

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?