The Others (2001)
You Might Also Like
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.