Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Just say no

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”