The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
perfect
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
How to make infinite energy.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.