The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
6. me as a lawyer
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem