The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.