The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*pronounces woah like Noah*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.