The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.