The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.