Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

My five year plan is a meteorite

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

🤣

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”