Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.