Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Dead
Alive
Other✔

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.