Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

how was your vacation

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Not today, today.
Not today.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring