The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]