Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!