Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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