@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

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@SortaBad

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

@usermcuserface

No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@3sunzzz

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what