The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.


Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.


some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures


Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.


Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.



BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.


I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.


Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them


[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.



*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*