The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
house sitting!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.