Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

lmfao come on

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.