Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.