The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
bury ourselves
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof