The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door