The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Oh deer
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN