the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.