the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.