The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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How all things should be taught/explained.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
how to market bottled water to dads
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports