The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.