The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots