The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I put the p in pants.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.