The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!