The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
You Might Also Like
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
This is true.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
How does one answer this?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?