Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

i want it utterly assaulted.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Pikachu found the lost joint

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick