The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls