Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.