Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.