Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.