Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

A French press is when you hug naked

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.