Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”