Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Bear knowledge

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)