The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod