The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
In banana years, I am bread.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.