Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

What a website

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.