The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
just arby’s bein’ a bro
