The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
You Might Also Like
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.