The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
🤣🤣🤣
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
kids play hide and seek like
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.