Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

*struts into the new year
~ trips

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

This bar smells like my childhood.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I WON A HAM TODAY

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*