Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Bond. Trauma bond.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

I see your IQ test came back negative

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.