The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
😂🖐️
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
President The Rock Obama
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
