The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
🤣dope
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
