The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
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Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
From my Mom
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.