Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?