The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.