The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun