The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?