The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
(Jupiter –
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice