the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
