the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
