the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
This is a bad sign
