Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*