Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Genius idea!!

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?