@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

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@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

@gagging

Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@TragicAllyHere

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.