The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.