My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
me hitting on a model
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself