The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
