The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.