Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.