The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Every photo I’m tagged in
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one