@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

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@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@AdamBroud

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

@kyry5

Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT”

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@BeTheCookie

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

@WritePlay

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

@WilliamAder

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

@caliluvgirl77

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR