The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You Might Also Like
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.