The pasta is now
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
liiiiiiiiike
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.