The pasta is now
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.