the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
The Sun
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The real reason evolution started..😂
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?