the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”