The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
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