The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
this will hang in the louvre one day
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
can’t catch a break
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black