Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

I feel seen

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

ew if literal: let me be clear

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured