The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time