The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha