The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
two people or more is called a problem
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better