The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*exercises sarcastically*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Blew my mind.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle