The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.