NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I just tested negative for patience.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.