The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

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[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.


Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one


That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt


I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.


ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely


A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?


TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.