@_steamy_mac

The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

@AlcoholAndTacos

Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one

@CarolinaSong

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

@bottlerocket

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

@Book_Krazy

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@ClichedOut

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.