The pen is writier than the sword.
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Seek kebab; not attention
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.